The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
