Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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