My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
