The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
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Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
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I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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