My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
