At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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