haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
