Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
