Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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