You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
