after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
ok first of all what the fuck
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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