I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
