She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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