Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
