don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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