I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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