I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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