the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize