a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
