the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
