Will you blow on my dice?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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