He had one of those small greek statue penises
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
