I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
