those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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