i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
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Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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