my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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