Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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