I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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