Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
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Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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