Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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