dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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