On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
