How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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