I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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