You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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