Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Text me some of your sweat
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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