Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
