she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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