Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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