I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
