oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
