I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
