I wish life had little blips of pornography
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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