Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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