2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
