my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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