Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
