$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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