god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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