you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
