There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
