if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
