I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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