If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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