yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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