Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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