i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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