youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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