Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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