Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
