just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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