i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
