i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
